Christmas Wrap Up

Because my mom died six weeks before Christmas, I’ve been white-knuckling the holiday for 30 years. That’s not to say there weren’t any wonderful ones, there have been, but it’s been a variety pack for sure.

My early approach to the holidays was to dread them, not engage, leave everything to the last minute, stress, eat and drink my way to the finish line and sigh in relief when it was over. What’s ironic is the holidays at that time were by all definition, fantastic. The presents were an embarrassment of riches; purses from Europe, coats, clothes, jewelry, cell phones, cash. Beautifully wrapped and wonderful to open.

A couple of years into this way of celebrating I discovered that the gifts were paid for with a check from my inheritance made out to “Susie’s Christmas.” It gave me a pit in my stomach and I found what I really wanted was one gift from the heart vs many gifts that cost too much of my money.

Christmas took on a better glow when I became a mom. Seeing the holiday through my children’s eyes certainly took the sting out and motivated me to put on the best Christmas EVER. There was breakfast with Santa with my girls in pretty dresses, building gingerbread houses, the family in matching colors Christmas cards, decorating the tree, baking cookies, drives to see the lights on Christmas Tree Lane, and tons of presents (the ones from Santa wrapped in Santa paper). I may have over compensated and definitely ran myself ragged. Fingers crossed I didn’t blur the line between magical and miserable.

Perfect Christmas was followed by divorced Christmas where the kids got two of everything and with it were schedules to be ironed out and adhered to. Mixed in depending on the year, were Christmas Days alone or a romantic day for two.

Which brings me to this Christmas in the Pandemic of 2020. Many things were new and/or different and I felt the old humbug creep back in. For the first time in my life we had an artificial tree. It was smaller than we usually have but great in the ease of putting it up, lights already in place. There’s a new, young dog in the house this year who jumped on the tree as soon as it was up. An excellent clue that we should use all non-breakable ornaments. I’m surprised to say it’s been one of my favorite trees. Government suggestion to reduce in-person shopping meant that I ordered every gift except one online. All in all there was less stress, less people, smaller meals and less clean-up. Perhaps because of the year it’s been, I found a willingness to rest, relax, and watch classic Christmas movies that soothed my tired spirit. The humbug gave way to discovering that simple feels really good.

Turning Ho Hum into Ho Ho

And so this is Christmas. It's never really been my holiday. Losing my Mom when I was 18  6 weeks before Christmas seems to have cast a pall over the season for me. I thought that would change when I had children of my own and to some extent it has. I shifted from as close to total avoidance as I could get to orchestrating the best damn Christmas EVER. Still, those holiday memories are a blur of exhaustion and tears - mine and the kids from trying to create the "perfect" holiday of gingerbread houses, breakfast with Santa in the right clothes, the desired presents wrapped with handmade bows, baking several kinds of cookies and plating them up merrily for friends and family, planning, cooking and setting a beautiful table for the dinner. I squeezed us all too tightly trying to have an epic Christmas. And, I never quite acquired that joyful aura I saw in other people or the magic described in Christmas carols or movies. The economic downturn saw expensive gifts, parties and dinners morph into something sweeter and more meaningful. Limited resources made it necessary to identify which things were the most important to make the holiday special thereby creating a natural balance that cut down on the craziness. At first downsizing Christmas can seem like a bummer but in hindsight it made it more special.

This year the Christmas spirit is again elusive. I've decided the holidays can occur on a kind of lighting dimmer switch. With kids I can't turn the holiday lights out completely but I can adjust the focus on the things that make it our kind of Christmas. A tree is a must (I asked the kids if we could do a smaller tree and was told "NO") but I came to the conclusion this year that all the ornaments don't have to make it onto the tree. The favorites and some beautiful new ones made the tree fabulous and done without the angst. Some treasured decorations like the hand print Christmas tree tile and the gold pine cone with pom-poms are a must-see but I didn't feel compelled to find a place for every decoration we own. The Santa's Village didn't get set up this year and that's okay. I made a new decoration with some colorful $5.00 ornaments and every time I pass by the table it sits on, I feel happy.

While I haven't been overcome with Christmas spirit, there have been moments of happiness that have come from letting go of expectations of how the perfect holiday should look. I've enjoyed the peace that comes with only doing the things that I want to do and that I knew would make me feel good. The book "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" says there is joy in repetition. Sometimes by putting one foot in front of the other and really listening to your heart's desire you'll find that you get through ho-hum to Merry Christmas.