Dating vs Falling in Love…With Yourself

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Susan

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need ~ The Rolling Stones

The end of a 3 year, long distance relationship left me at the water’s edge of the dating pool. Sure, they say dating is like riding a bike, you never forget. I venture to say that bike riding is infinitely more enjoyable!

For you coupled-up types who are blissfully unaware of what’s going on out here in    dating-ville, check out these banners that appeared recently over my e-mail inbox: “What Men Don’t Want – Catch Him And Keep Him.com - 9 Ugly Mistakes Women Make That Men Find Totally Unattractive.” Days later this gem appeared: “Make Him Addicted To You  – Have The Relationship You Want.com – 9 Magic Words You Must Say To Make Him Fall Deeply In Love.”

REALLY??? The very idea that we women are so desperate to know this crap is sad. Because if our own sense of self-worth is strong and we enjoy our own company, the above how to’s become irrelevant.  I can’t think of anything I want to do less than catch and keep ANYONE. A relationship jail keeper? No thanks. Instead of catch and keep why not just apply the principles of catch and release fishing to dating? And I don’t even know what to say to the notion of trying to “addict” someone to me. Can you hear me laughing from where you’re sitting? BTW, you guys should be offended that these websites make it sound like you can be “caught” and “addicted” in 9 easy ways. Why is 9 the magic number? I digress.

So what are the options for finding a date, mate, significant other, etc.? Well, there’s online dating…raise your hand if you like this one. I see one hand and you know who you are, M. I personally only know one person who likes this form of dating. There’s another concept that centers around matchmaking-like dinners. I was thinking of trying this until a single girlfriend checked into it after hearing radio ads stating they were offering a special rate.  The “deal” was $1,500 for 3 months worth of dinner dates. They were happy to set her up on a payment plan of $500 a month. Seriously??? That’s like a house payment. Now we’re the 99% of dating too?! We’ve been encouraged to write down a grocery list of the traits we are looking for in a mate. This exercise suggests we will manifest the perfect person that meets the criteria on our list. A sort of  “if you build it, they will come” theory. It’s not a bad idea; I love a good to-do list. Except that I’ve done it to no avail and I’ve been recently educated that focusing so much on the particulars leaves out the potential for  many possibilities. The new love of my life may have qualities I can’t even imagine and I’d hate to miss out because I left it off the list! Probably best not to narrow the field too much.

Perhaps a better idea is to take a personal inventory and see if we are truly presenting the best possible version of ourselves. It’s been said (thank you Gabrielle Bernstein author of “Add More ~Ing to Your Life…A Hip Guide to Happiness” and “Spirit Junkie”) that when you get right with yourself, the right person will be attracted to you. The best possible, healthy, fabulous YOU. I’m going with this approach and here’s why:

1. Following my divorce several years ago I paid a therapist perfectly good money to tell me that instead of jumping into dating, maybe I should take some time to get to know myself.  I wish I had listened then. I probably could have avoided several more dysfunctional relationships. Because let me just say, I have worked hard on putting the fun in dysfunctional!

2. At 46 years old it’s time to figure my shit out. I mean really, if I’m not cool with me who the hell else will be? I am taking the advice of my new-found mentor Gabrielle Bernstein and for the time being, I’m making spirit my boyfriend. Meditating, watching lectures and reading books by people who have it going on and are willing to share has been awesome. They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Hit me baby…I’m open!

3.  Gaining a sense of who I am and what I want in a relationship has made growing a backbone a long overdue pursuit. I’m pleased to say that I’m done with what I call circle dating. This is a no-win, chase your tail exercise where I re-dated guys from previously failed relationships hoping that this time it would turn out right. I’m liking the saying, “if the past calls let it go to voicemail, it has nothing new to say.”  BINGO!

So that’s it…instead of hanging out with Mr. Right Now, I’m chillin’ with myself and you know…it rocks! Maybe when the door closed on my last relationship the window to my spirit opened. I’m certain when all is right, Mr. Right will find his way to my door.

Please share your love stories or dating dilemmas, desires and triumphs below. Love is a dish that should never be served cold!

 

 

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Experiencing the “Happy” in Happy Holidays

Posted on December 23, 2011 by Susan

As the holiday is upon us (like – TOMORROW!) my wish for you is that there have been moments where the simple joys of the season have seeped in.

For the majority of holidays since I’ve been a Mom (16 to be exact), I’ve spent most of the time in execute mode; a slave to the list of things to do. Working myself to exhaustion decorating, shopping, wrapping, baking, planning and cooking dinners. Often too stressed and tired to actually enjoy the fabulous holiday I put on for everyone else.

This year has been different. Like many families I know, circumstances dictated that this would be a smaller holiday. What a blessing it has turned out to be! By focusing in on what my kids really wanted/needed, there was less shopping, wrapping and stressing about collecting everything on their wish list. Instead of decorating with everything I own, I chose the things that really meant something to us to be displayed. The things my children made in preschool and kindergarten really stand out as the treasures of my heart and I’ve enjoyed them even more this year because they are not surrounded by other holiday clutter.  We’ve accepted a gracious offer from family to share their Christmas Eve celebration which has freed me from doing the usual big dinner at my house.

At first I felt unnerved about a new kind of Holiday; would my children be disappointed, was I a failure because I couldn’t do the things I’ve always done? But as tomorrow comes, I find that this is, in some ways, one of the best holiday seasons because there has been time and space to really enjoy the things that are important to us. Like gold pine cones with pom-poms, hand print Christmas trees and remembering when my girls were small enough to drink cocoa out of their own pint size, special mugs.

Wishing you a beautiful Holiday filled with wonderful moments big and small! Please post your favorite holiday moments or treasures made by children below ♥

 

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Meeting Calvin Klein

Posted on July 10, 2011 by Susan

If you are lucky and so inclined, you will perhaps have at least one dog in your life. And when I say “a dog” I mean “the dog.”  You know the kind — the one that is special, becomes a member of the family, that you love and who loves you beyond measure. The one that inspired a bumper sticker that reads, “I wish I was the person my dog thinks I am.”

I am in my first such relationship with a male Maltese.

I have good reason to know the difference between “a dog” and “the dog.”   Before our current dog came along, I took in a stray and unfortunately, she was the WRONG dog. She ate the shutters, tore up the down comforters in a way that seemed almost psychotic, and piddled in her kennel every single time I left the house requiring a full scrub down of her and the kennel upon my return. She also had zero interest in interacting with us. No fetching the ball, no petting her, no cuddling…nothing. Although it is not politically correct for me to say, when she jumped the fence and took off, I breathed a sigh of relief.

So the search continued. I looked online at animal shelters, rescues and breeders for months for the right dog. Almost a year later, I came across an ad in the local newspaper that looked interesting. I decided it was worth taking a look and asked my girlfriend if she would come with me as she had much more experience with dogs than I did. As we drove over I said a little prayer asking for a sign that would let me know if this was the right dog for us.

An older woman answered the door and invited us into a small, dark house. She went to get the dog from the kitchen where she was keeping him penned in with gates. Out ran a small, fluffy, white ball of fur that seemed very glad to see us. He jumped up, was friendly and adorable! We started to ask some questions – how old was he – only 9 months old, how long had she had him – only a month or so, why was she looking to sell him? Was there something wrong with him? – nothing wrong, she had been talked into getting him by her visiting daughter. She realized that at her age she was not up to raising a dog that would live for many years - he was only 9 months old. We asked if she had veterinary records for him and she did from the people she had bought him from. He was healthy and his shots were up to date. When my friend asked, “What’s his name?” and the lady answered “Calvin” it was the smack in the forehead sign I had asked for on the way there. Calvin was my father’s name. I knew he was meant to be ours. She was firm on the price, $350. Knowing him as I do now, it was a bargain.

My girls had asked at the beginning of our dog search if we could get two and name them “Abercrombie & Fitch”. When I brought our new dog home I said, “meet Calvin Klein.” My lack of dog ownership experience made it a little like bringing a baby home. I rushed to the pet store to buy everything I thought he needed. Much like with babies he didn’t need half of the stuff I bought! I didn’t know how he would acclimate to our household and I was nervous. Continue reading →

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The “Mutha” of Reinvention

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Susan

Necessity… the mother of invention.
Plato

True words.

I think another phenomenon has enveloped a lot of us — reinvention. Born of events like having your position at work eliminated, being pink-slipped and laid off, losing your home, filing bankruptcy, getting injured or sick. Out of left field, rock your world, turn it upside down, scare the shit out of you stuff. And there you are…flat on your back, staring at the ceiling in the dark thinking, “What am I gonna do now?”

Can there be a worse feeling? Especially if there are others depending on you, the people you love the most in fact. It would be so easy to take a way out. A lot of people do, they just get in their car and drive away or go to sleep and never wake up. But even in the depths of your despair you know that makes you the ultimate failure and dumps an unforgivable legacy on the loved ones you leave behind. So scratch that option.

Your were in the game, maybe at the top of it, and now you’re ‘outta here. Everything you worked for, poured your heart and soul into, sacrificed your family time for, worked sick, stressed over…it wasn’t good enough. Your services are no longer needed but your paycheck is. If that doesn’t lay waste to your self-esteem and piss you off, I don’t know what does.

But you have to get over it and it’s not a quick or easy process. You have to get a move on to the next big thing, which is like chasing something while dragging your wounded legs behind you. Maybe you don’t even know what to chase. It seems logical to look for a new job in the field you’ve been working in, but maybe you’re burned out and the thought of continuing to do that kind of work makes a knot in your stomach. It did me, I can say with a degree of certainty that I never want to work for a Board of Directors again!

So “Hello” reinvention. What are you going to be when you grow up? It’s a pretty daunting question to ask yourself at age 45 with two children to feed and your self-worth in the crapper. This is a gettin’ to know yourself period like no other and it’s a “mutha”.  But I believe everything happens for a reason. Now that I’ve had time to reflect back on losing the job I used to love, I can see how damaging to my life and family it had become. I was on a miserable rat wheel going nowhere and my children suffered. I had lost site of the most important job I’ll ever have and that’s mothering my girls. The last year I was working, I couldn’t tell you what was really going on with them at school and they used to tell me I was cranky all the time. They were pretty much on auto-pilot and since that’s how I grew up, it made me sick that I had allowed that to happen. I don’t know how long it would have taken me to leave a secure work position so I believe a kind of divine intervention took place. Too bad it was in the form of two rear-end car accidents within a nine month period, but there it was. I had kept working while injured after the first accident for nearly a year, taking only 3 days off. The show must go on, right? I believe the second accident happened to “drive” the point home that I was hurt and I needed to go home and get well. Continue reading →

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Modulating Motherhood

Posted on May 8, 2011 by Susan

Webster’s New World Dictionary’s definition of the word modulate:  1 to regulate, adjust, or adapt to the proper degree  2 to vary the pitch, intensity, etc. of (the voice), often specific. to a lower degree  3 Radio a variation in the amplitude, frequency, or phase of a wave in accordance with some signal.

I think this describes the effort of mothering perfectly.

As my girls are entering and in the midst of their teenage years (11 and 15), I find that it’s often hard to know which way to turn the dial on mothering them. When they are small the dial is set on high in terms overseeing their, well, everything.

As they grow, we work on teaching them to be responsible for themselves. This is where the modulating gets interesting. Since responsibility occurs with kids in varying degrees,  it’s a challenge to, as the definition above suggests, regulate and adjust the amount of direction and support to give kids and in what sort of pitch and intensity of voice. That’s a nice way of saying how many times do you have to repeat yourself? And are you able to maintain a calm and patient tone of voice or have you finally lost your mind and your yelling like a woman on fire? The best part is when the kids act like they have never met you before and have no idea how you got into this state.

Remember when all our parents had to do was give us a telepathic look of their directions? And if we somehow missed that message a smack would bring it all home for us. Ah, the good old days, pretty low impact on the parents. When did the rules of engagement change? Because today’s kids are definitely not afraid to engage. When I think about it more, I guess this is what it takes for kids to learn to survive in today’s adversity. They have to try it out in the comfort of their own home so they’re prepared to take on the world. I’ve decided that kids have to take a swing and hurt you so that you can coach them on the protocol of avoiding that in later life with others. No matter how you embrace the logic, it hurts and sometimes you feel like you’re sporting a shiner! Continue reading →

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You Want to Use the Insurance You Pay For?

Posted on April 6, 2011 by Susan

Insurance…gotta have it right? Health, automobile, homeowners…we must have coverage to protect ourselves from life’s disasters. Unfortunately my experience over the past year is that utilizing the insurance is the disaster!

Here’s how it’s working for me — I pay the premiums every month to companies I’ve been a loyal customer to for years and when I need to use the coverage, the insurance companies make it as difficult as possible. In fact they will go to great lengths to weasel out of paying my claims. This requires much time, effort, negotiating skills and nerves of steel to achieve the successful outcome of receiving the benefits I have paid for.

I spend countless hours following up on issues I’m assured will be taken care of only to find out the person did absolutely nothing that they said they would.  The super fun part is repeating the facts all over again to the next representative. This process is the perfect definition of the term “circle jerk.” I favor a system whereby I get to deduct what my hourly rate would be for insurance negotiating from my premium payment. I bet that model would improve productivity – no?

I realize that my experience is not unique. I have even come to understand that companies are also incurring waste in time and money. What ever happened to the theory that time is money?

It’s all about how you look at it and I’m choosing to think that this is just an exercise to keep my skills sharp. An alternate way to way to boost my brain power, exercise my mind and memory, improve brain health – keep it from getting flabby.

I think I’d rather take up Soduko.

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That’s Gonna Leave a Mark

Posted on March 17, 2011 by Susan

Acquiring a scar is an interesting proposition. It’s the end of an era – the era of your body being perfect, unscathed.  Perhaps how it’s obtained determines how the process of assimilating a scar will go. Where the scar lands on your body maybe makes a difference. You know what they say: location, location, location.

I wonder if scars won through epic pursuits like mountain climbing, hunting on safari or sky diving feel like a badge of honor. An unintentional tattoo of a once in a lifetime experience. Proof of belief in the mantra, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather a skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!” (This saying is a favorite of mine, BTW).

What about the other kind of scars? The kind that involve accidents and surgeries. The ones we wear with less pride of ownership because they were obtained in unpleasant circumstances, often beyond our control. These are the ones that beat up our self-esteem and are harder to accept as a part of ourselves. Continue reading →

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